How did I get here? Where is this going? Why am I doing this?
These questions enter my mind every so often as I consider my current situation: I’m forsaking everything familiar. I’m leaving my family, my home, my friends, my country, my language... I’m moving to a place I’ve never been, to live among people I’ve never known, and to learn a language I’ve never heard. It seems pretty crazy...probably because it is. What would possess anyone to make such a reckless decision? Well...it’s not because I just love to travel. If this were the deciding factor of my path, I would be irresponsibly throwing my life away for a hobby. And it’s not because I just love Macedonia. I knew almost nothing about the country until two days before I applied for the job.
I’m doing this because I am desperately, irresponsibly, and incurably in love with the Gospel.
...but this wasn’t always the case in my life. I’ve grown up going to church and made a profession of faith in Christ when I was nine. From that point on, I outwardly grew in my spirituality. I read my Bible...because I felt bad when I didn’t. I went to church...because my friends were there. I journaled...because good Christians should. Guilt ruled my life. I knew that I couldn’t be good enough, but I hopelessly and powerlessly kept trying. And I was so afraid. What if I sin and don’t know it? What if I miss out on His will? How will He punish me? What if others find out how truly sinful I am? I knew the God of the Bible demanded perfection, and I knew who I was... guilty, shameful, unworthy. By the time I got to college, I was so tired of trying so hard and worrying so much...that I gave up. I thought, “This religion isn’t worth the guilt. Is Jesus even who He said He is? The only way? The only truth? Surely not. It’s ridiculous, really, to believe in such impossibility, to align myself with such narrow-mindedness. ” So I found other views, other philosophies. People and theories that were broad and wide and gave me room to breathe. And I felt such freedom...for a while. But I realized soon that I wasn’t free. I was falling. The guilt was replaced by uncertainty. What is true? Is there truth? What is real? Is there any meaning in the world, at all? Chaos and confusion reigned in my mind as I considered the possibilities of life without faith. It was worse than the guilt, because I had nothing to stand on. And when trials came in my life, I sunk further into the darkness. My joy was gone; my hope was gone. I didn’t recognize myself anymore. I never thought I’d be the same again...and I wasn’t...
In the darkness of that time, everything I had faith in ultimately failed me. Relationships with family and friends could not fill the emptiness. My impersonal philosophies held no comfort for me. Nothing satisfied my longing. So I began to pray as I never had before in my life. With desperation. With honesty. I prayed the moment I woke that God would help me get out of bed. Then I prayed He would help me make it to work. And to class. And through class… Soon I was praying all day long! And I was experiencing God in a way I never had in the past. Joy in my sorrow. Purpose in my pain. The darkest time in my life became the sweetest. I started reading the Bible again, but this time not out of guilt or obligation…but out of a deep desire to know the God who was sustaining me. I felt I was experiencing the Gospel for the first time. The holiness of God, the sinfulness of my life, the punishment I deserve…these things were abundantly clear to me, and I saw the futility of my “righteous” endeavors. I knew now why I had given up on Jesus before: I had been fighting for something I could never possibly achieve. My strength wasn’t strong enough; my goodness wasn’t good enough. I failed over and over and over. Even if I did the “right thing,” I couldn’t fix my selfish motives. But this Gospel changed everything about the way I approached God! I learned He doesn’t want my works. He knows I can’t live up to His standard, not even close! He came down to earth as Jesus and lived the life I couldn’t. In His undeserved death, He took the righteous judgment that the Father should have poured on humanity. And when I trust in His truth, I get His righteousness and heavenly inheritance! I am clean, holy, and blameless because of His sacrifice. Nothing is required of me…just simply to believe. This is a freedom that never fails! And here’s the paradox…
When you have experienced this tremendous freedom and extravagant love, the only possible response is to submit your life to the Author of such beauty and divine generosity.
What marvelous freedom to be His slave! Every day, every moment is lived by Christ: His love, power, forgiveness, grace, righteousness, hope, wisdom, joy… His life, death, and resurrection enable me to live as I never thought possible. With victory in trials! And confidence in uncertainty! While some people have a concrete call to international missions and to particular countries or peoples, I definitely don’t! But what I do have is a relationship with Jesus that changes my life every day. And through many small and large steps, He has brought me to this place…to share His love with the people of Macedonia. I don’t know what my future holds, but He does…and I trust Him immensely. I’m betting my life on it!
